5 months

It’s been 5 months since my Dad died from a deadly virus. A virus that continues daily to destroy lives, communities and countries. It hasn’t slowed down. Everyone and everything seemingly continues to move on like we’re done. Like it’s over. It isn’t.

I haven’t really taken the time or space to write any thoughts lately, I’m working a lot and feeling incapable of much else. I don’t know what to say anymore, the story hasn’t changed, just the season has.

Currently, I’m surviving and last night I was reminded of how I need to continually remind myself to give grace. To be gracious with myself. Give myself the space and the grace to survive, to not have energy, to not feel like myself, to continue mourning and grieving the lost. I was thinking of how it’s five months this week, November 27th, 2020 and now we’re here April 27th, 2021. I was reminded of how the number 5 in my household and the teachings I grew up with was a reminder and symbol of God’s grace. My dad was always a teaching in life, he had a number of different vocations but one of them he maintained through out his life was being a pastor. One teaching I remember and have kept with me over the years is one (although I’m aware there were many teachings on grace) that my Dad spoke on during a Sunday morning service about grace. Now I can’t remember most of it but the part that has stayed with me was how he spoke about giving yourself grace and in particular giving your heart grace. Our hearts and emotions, fears and thoughts need grace. In that moment I’d never thought about it in that way before I’d always been in the mindset of giving everyone else grace before you give it to yourself and I wasn’t giving myself any and I still obviously have to be reminded.

Last night as I was having a meltdown in my car talking to my brother, thinking of how it’s five months since our Dad has been gone, I remembered these little details about the number 5. I know the number 5 has many meanings but to me, today, right here, it’s about grace. Let everything that can fall off my shoulders right now fall and start where I can in giving myself grace and others for the things we are all carrying.

Slow down and take a breath, tell yourself you love you. Put your hand on your heart and on your mind and tell it that it has space to feel lost, to feel hurt, to feel confused, to be overwhelmed and thank it. Thank your heart and mind for helping you do what you have to do each day. Grace upon grace.