A Process of Forgiveness
How do I begin -
I don’t know how to accept an apology without trying to make the person asking for forgiveness feel better. I don’t know if i know how to accept an apology in a way that honors and acknowledges the pain, that is my pain, being asked to be forgiven. I know it is things I don’t want to hold onto or hold against the offender but it is things I’ve become quite familiar with these past few years. I’ve forgiven you so many times inside myself and left myself feeling empty and confused.
I saw your message today, I read your words and I felt myself crumble inside. I began to shake nervously and then began to take deep breaths and then I began to cry. Crying over what I can only imagine is the now sudden reality of you acknowledging the pain you’ve caused me and the countless scenarios of this very thing happening that I’ve imagined that I thought would ultimately never happen. Something I could not dwell on or expect but only let myself move forward in my own journey of healing.
I’m conflicted. I want to honor both of our journeys and to always be a participant for healing. However, there’s the other part of me that is angry and afraid that if I accept your apology and forgive that I set you free but not myself. How can I still be so selfish? So self protecting and afraid of what I’m giving you. Because I gave you so much. I gave you so much of me and I still have parts of me that are angry about it.
It is a choice. It’s my choice. I will forgive you, again and again, as I have. I will say “Thank you, I forgive you.” Because thank you for acknowledging the offense though you do not know how deep the pain goes.
Truth is, I’d been thinking about these things lately too. I guess in a way maybe this is what it looks like to start building a bridge and crossing it or we’re both building the same bridge but from different sides and working toward meeting in the middle. Because all these feelings and memories disguised as materials to build with have been heavy for a long time and we’ve both just lacked the tools to start putting them together. I know I have at least.
“Forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. … forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses.”
What’s hard is trust. Trusting your apology. Trusting myself with forgiving. Trusting the process. Trusting whatever this meeting of healing is that we are both on in different directions. Trusting healing.
I trust myself in this moment and I know I’ll forgive you in the morning.
