Dear Paul,
I don’t know quite how to put it into words. I know you wouldn’t care as much as I do right now or think about it quite as much as I am right now. I’m thinking about it all, a lot.
Our relationship was messy and disjointed but I remember a lot of moments where you made me feel ok, made me feel seen and made me feel worth something, for what it’s worth. I remember a lot of moments where you made me smile and caused me to laugh. You were really good at that.
It’s hard not to feel guilty that we stopped talking and that I won’t even get to have a chance of us speaking again. I really wish there was still a chance.
Amazing how you can suddenly wish for all the moments you’d try to avoid or wish for just the chances of running into each other and having an awkward conversation. It makes you appreciate the awkwardness that would have been there. It makes you realize it’s a lot less scary and a lot less to worry about when the entire possibility is now gone.
It’s weird when you realize how happy you’d be just wondering how someone is for the rest of their life. At least you’d know they were still alive. It’s not enough to just wonder, I get that but right now it’d be enough. 6 days ago, it was enough. I’d thought maybe you were happy. I’d thought maybe you were ok.
I’d seen you walking around town a couple times recently and wondered about the next time I might see you walking around town and if we’d happen to actually bump into each other the next time and have a conversation. If I’d known those were the last times I’d ever see you walking around town, I would have run across the street or out of the restaurant to just say hello. I guess now I just hope it would have made a difference.
I know I can’t get stuck on the “what if” or “if only” but I know I’ll always wish it were different. I know I’m not the only one who wishes it were different. I’m trying to find a way to process the thoughts inside my head and the feelings inside my chest to lift some of the burden and feel some of the pain. I’ve felt loss before but not quite like this. This is different. It’s strange how we can feel so many kinds of loss in life.
A lot of people are feeling all sorts of different kinds of loss right now, it’s all tied to the loss of you. How I wish we’d never lose sight of the impact we all have on one another.
I’m sorry you felt so alone. I’m sorry you weren’t ok and if any one person could change it right now, we would. You were lovable, you were funny, you were kind and you are missed. Thanks for getting me to love Adventure Time and Rick and Morty and all the music you’d get so excited to share with people. Your excitement for new things always came through or even things you’d been excited about for years. I remember one of the first conversations we ever had was about the universe and additionally, one of the first times we ever hung out you took care of me because I ended up getting sick.
Loss is strange. It always is and some loss hits harder than others. This is one of those times where it packs a heavier punch. The kind that knocks the wind right out of you. The kind that feels like an entire building just came down on top of you.
To those who are feeling crushed by the weight of this one, I’m sorry. The weight you are feeling is so much greater than the fraction I’m experiencing. My heart is broken for you and with you. Remember to breathe deep in between the moments of grief that completely overwhelm you. This is the type of pain and grief you can’t avoid and I know it is the type of pain and grief you never should have had to experience. You are not alone.
Hope is not your enemy, hope could bring your healing.
