February 3rd, 2021

The one person I wish could have visit me at my place of work can’t anymore, he can’t ever visit again. It really was one of my favorite things, my dad visiting my places of work — stopping by to say hello and meet the people I work with, to see the space I’m working in and understand what it is I’m doing. I was always proud to introduce my dad to my co-workers because when people would meet my dad they’d finally have that moment where it all clicks “ah, this makes sense now, Leah makes sense, this is a part of why she is the way she is.” He was always so warm, fun and joyful and loved meeting new people in that way.

Now I’m worried the parts of me that would have eventually made sense to people won’t ever make sense in the same way again. I’m worried I don’t make sense anymore to myself because a part that had always been there is gone.

I started a new job in January and for the first time my dad isn’t around to talk to about it. It’s a really depressing experience if I’m honest. A weight I don’t want to carry, a weight I don’t have a choice whether to carry or not with me at all times. A heaviness in my day to day regardless of what I’m doing but now with this new job just bringing every instance to mind about how fun it’d be to talk to my dad about it all.

I think it just occurred to me in this moment that it’s awful knowing how many people don’t get to meet my dad now. All of us that knew him the way we did are especially fortunate and we know that, we are the ones that feel the deep void of where he used to be.

And yeah, I know he lives on in us, etc- blah blah blah. But it doesn’t make this reality hurt less. This one still sucks. He was definitely supposed to live much longer than this, I certainly was rooting for him to hit 90 and surpass his own Dad when he passed.

We’ve managed two months, only two months that somehow feel like a lifetime already. I feel trapped in some weird time capsule that just shouldn’t have existed so soon.

I wish you were still here Dad and I wish everything made just a little more sense. I had to spend my 31st birthday without you, I realize it doesn’t matter what age you are I still wish I could have heard “Happy Birthday beautiful, I love you, I like you and I’m proud of you.” You should have been around the dinner table with mom and the rest of us sharing stories and having laughs. I know we’ve all got those moments ahead, I just happened to be the first one of us with a birthday after you passed.

I don’t want your death to make sense or have some grandiose meaning because it shouldn’t have happened like this. Your life did have meaning though and I miss it so much. You brought meaning, purpose and intention into everything and everyone you met.

I’ll always be humbled and grateful knowing I had a father that truly wanted and loved being a father. Thankful that things always made a little more sense with you around even when the answers weren’t clear. I know there are so many days ahead where I’m going to really feel like I need you, days where we feel like we all need you and I hope we remember that you gave us all you could to be ready for the days we’d have to live without you but I’m just so scared of things not making sense again.