it’s ok when everything isn’t ok
This week has been one of those weeks. One of those weeks where I just want to crawl into bed, retreat into self pity and press repeat on all the negative thoughts and emotions racing through my mind at myself, life and the way things are. Which in its entirety, the way things are aren’t bad. In fact, they’re pretty good. Better than they have been in a long time for me. I think I get really freaked out when things are too quiet for me, when I’m not planning some trip, when I don’t have anything exciting to update anyone on, when all i’m doing is living every day life without trying to put on some showcase to keep myself entertained.
I’ve been really digging at myself and for some reason judging my present self against my past self. Another person, another version of me that was younger, more innocent, hopeful, naive, joyful and hadn’t had her heart broken in a way she wouldn’t be able to see coming. Either it’s the right words or the lack of those words but I guess in a way i’ve been missing that person and at the same time mourning for that version of myself. It does seem a bit trivial and pointless but maybe there is something to it I haven’t quite figured out the answer to and it’s ok. See I’ve been learning a lot about myself this past year and to what extent I really dislike dealing with my own personal pain. I’m an empath and it’s easier for me to help others work through what’s uncomfortable for them and to help them process their pain or offer comfort but when it’s myself I quickly spiral into really drastic thoughts if something is uncomfortable or painful, all hope is lost, the ship has sunk, what’s the point. Pretty unbalanced, right?
Balance — 1.
an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady.
“she lost her balance before falling”
Last February/March I had a moment of self realization. I’d been avoiding a lot of pain and hurt and masking it with attention, work, men, travel…whatever to keep myself busy and all subconsciously keeping myself blind from looking at any of the mess I didn’t want to learn to love. I had adopted this really awful thought process when it came to letting people into my life (maybe I adopted a few really awful ideas about a number of them in general) but anyways, it was that “Hi, I’m Leah I’m a mess that I don’t want to deal with right now but if you want to know me or be with me you have to be willing up front to want this mess that I don’t even glance at in my own self. Cool, thanks k bye.” You can imagine how well that was working out for me. It wasn’t. It wasn’t working for anyone and especially I wasn’t doing myself any favors.
It sucked but I realized that nothing was going to change about the way I was thinking, treating people, treating myself with these off the wall expectations for something I wasn’t even holding myself to. Because at the end of the day I just wanted someone to take away my hurt and pain, I could forget about it, not have to look at it, not have to embrace that I was hurt and lost and still trying to find myself in the debris of my own chaos inside.
So March 2018, I started seeing a therapist for the first time ever. A therapist I’m still seeing and only recently did I decide i’d like to try for us to meet every other week instead of every week. The many moments of total weakness, power, healing, pain and confidence I’ve found, stepped through, looked in the face and didn’t run away from from last March til today I guess is why I’m writing this. I want to be an advocate for openness and vulnerability but if I’m not willing to go there myself, how can I ask others to do the same? Everyone should be in therapy. It doesn’t make you better than anyone not going, it also doesn’t make you better than anyone by going. Who is it for in the first place? Take care of yourself first, just like the flight attendants always remind us when flying to “place your oxygen mask on first before helping the person next to you.” Yeah, I know it’s a common phrase that is used for stuff like this but it’s because it’s relevant. Like who are you going to help if you aren’t breathing? So I’m trying to remember to breathe, give myself some oxygen before I go show someone else how to breathe.
It still sucks. I don’t like finding things still that are residual of something that hurt me years ago but I think I can be grateful for that which pushed me to this point to start really getting to know myself, to be quicker to cut the bullshit and live more authentically (whatever that includes). We still like to put a lot of frosting on things these days and try to use buzzwords to make ourselves and everyone feel more at ease but all that that does is ignore something that actually needs our attention. It’s like I’ve been given the opportunity to reset, to re-balance myself and also tell myself it’s ok to not always know what to do with my emotions or what to do with someone else’s, that it’s ok to just sit with what’s uncomfortable and see what it has to say and show me. It doesn’t always feel like I’ve been given something that is good, it’s more like i’ve been given something I needed and I’m learning to be responsible with it. And I’m learning to be responsible and respectful of all of my emotions. Life has almost always had a way of making me feel like I’m too much and not enough for just myself, and if I feel that way towards myself how can anyone ever think anything different? I know that it’s not entirely true, but I do think sometimes I can be not enough and too much but it doesn’t mean that’s the end all be all.
It was overwhelming at first for me to think about trying to find a therapist that I’d feel comfortable with, I wasn’t even able to look for one by myself. A friend helped me find one. If I can be a friend to help you find one, I will. There is still too much stigma around it in a lot of circles about asking for help, specifically for finding a therapist or psychiatrist. I’m anxious just writing this and thinking of how I’m going to share it because who knows why I willingly want to be vulnerable on a platform where anyone can read it? If I think about it too much I very quickly am thinking of every reason why I shouldn’t and most of my reasons are negative towards myself. Yeah, it’s weird. This is what we do now, this is what we can do now. We can share with the virtual world and in a way it’s a form of therapy but doesn’t quite equate to doing the work we all need to do sometimes.
This might turn into a series of posts but for now this is what I’ve got. I’ve been overthinking it since February/March this year because that’s originally when I started to work on pulling my thoughts out of myself again and putting them here. It’s a good feeling to know that I’ve been doing the work and I’ve been super fortunate to have someone to sit through it with me and help me do the work that I’ve been afraid to do for awhile. I know it’s not that easy or accessible in a lot of circumstances and situations. Mental and emotional health is a hot topic and it should be but also should be way more accepted than it is currently. I don’t know the most eloquent way to polish this off but life isn’t polished and pretty, it’s wild and unpredictable. Maybe we should learn to post less of the pretty and polished moments when we’re probably just crying in our bed with the lights off and wishing we could silence the voices in our head? Everything isn’t always ok and that’s ok.
P.S.
I’m glad we’re all here on this planet together. It’d be really boring without you.
